Goodbye 2017!

I know I haven’t posted much but I have been very busy with officially moving into our first home together (just renting!!) which has been both mentally and physically draining. I took this week off to rejuvenate for the new year and I’m feeling great.

I sat down and wrote down things I did each month this year that I felt were note-worthy and I’m excited to share my lists.  I didn’t realize how amazing this year has been and how much I was able to accomplish! So, even though this exercise was for me, enjoy reading my lists! Happy New Year!

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– QT

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Safe spaces and change!

Feeling safe as yourself is something I’m new to experiencing. When I first went to a gay bar, I felt it. It was a drag show, with my straight friend, who had been to shows there before. I felt tearful when I walked in and saw the most beautiful rainbow chandelier. I was safe. I was surrounded by people like me, or who supported me, and I didn’t have to worry about who saw me, because I was myself.

Then, when I was beginning to come out to people, I had no space. I had just begun a job where I was driving around a lot and I felt the safest in my car. No questions I had to answer, no one I had to pretend to be, because I was driving. During that period in my life I spent a significant amount of time in my car. I was always either driving around, or parked in some empty parking lot to make phone calls and relax.

Lately, I’ve been feeling unstable and unsafe everywhere. The last time this happened, I spent entirely too much money because of the security and safety of “things.” That didn’t turn out very well but it was definitely a learning experience.

Now, I’m moving in with my first queer partner and it is a huge change for me. I’ve accepted that this will be my new safe space and I’m comfortable that now the percentage of my time when I’m feeling safe and comfortable is drastically increasing. I am faced with, however, the decision of if I want people from my family to know the location of where I live or to come and visit.

I think it is important to feel safe and comfortable and happy more often than not, specifically, when you are within the LGBT community. There should be no shame in keeping that space for yourself until people are able to prove that they will support you. I am feeling very positive about the idea that this new space will be reserved for good energy. This is exactly the change I need to continue living life as my authentic self!

The confidence of a lesbian

I was re-watching all of the seasons of the L word after hearing about the reboot and was inspired to touch on one of the topics from the first season. Jenny is faced with the challenge of how to look like a lesbian, and ends up chopping off her hair.

I continued to think on this topic and the visible confidence that they briefly describe, which makes a lesbian look like a lesbian. The more I thought about this I had to acknowledge the potential impact that societal norms have on women and encouraging them to feel insecure and keep them down, to easier be manipulated, much like in abusive relationships the abuser puts down the victim to keep them in control and trapped.

The it seems to me that the confidence that women have and how they carry themselves seems to be free from the pressures of attempting to please the all-knowing man.  It seems to me that the answer is that when women, in this oppressive culture, free themselves from the need to impress men they gain incredible levels of confidence and a freedom.

This explains why lesbians are able to present themselves confidently, because there is no pressure to gain the approval of men. The answer is simple, if you don’t feel forced to rely on men, even after this society reminds you that it is the only worth you have is how worthy you are to men, you can gain a deeper sense of freedom and confidence.

Sex Toy Review: Satisfyer Pro Deluxe!

Just two quick disclaimers because this isn’t my typical post: First off this isn’t sponsored, obviously.  Secondly, I have never had a healthy sex-life until coming to the realization that I am gay.  After that sexual revolution, I have added “De-stigmatization of women’s sexuality” to my long list of feminist goals.  I firmly believe it is important to take care of your sexual needs and explore what you like on your own so you can have realistic expectations in the bedroom with a partner.  So, as the title explains, I’m going to be writing my own review of this new toy, as well as the response my partner had to it, to give two different views.

I am a CIS-gay female, and my partner is a straight transgender (female-to-male) person. And this is our new sex toy: Satisfyer Pro Deluxe.

For me, I have been very limited in my sex-toy knowledge, in fact, before I came out and began exploring my desires, I only had a very basic vibrator that was for penetration (which I now realize I’m incapable of orgasming with penetration only).  Eventually I progressed to Rabbits, bullets, and most recently wands, which have been my preference.  When I saw reviews on this clitoral stimulator, I was definitely  intrigued and had to purchase one, but I have to put out the disclaimer, this toy is not for beginners!

When I first used it, I ignorantly cranked it up to the highest power (11 different speeds) and immediately attempted to place it directly on myself.  This resulted in me orgasming without even having time to get into the mood, in approximately 30 seconds.  So later in the evening, I decided to try my toy out again, and I placed it appropriately, and started working up to higher powers.  My response is WOW! This toy is very intense, even for me, who tends to need high levels of stimulation.  It is definitely a completely different type of stimulation than I am used to, and I’m 100% sold on this new toy, it was worth every penny and has left me planning for each next use!  This toy is even aware of its power, stating in the owner’s manual, not to use on one area for more than 15 minutes.  That is definitely preparing for some quick orgasms!

My partner, who is FTM and pre-op, but on testosterone for several years, has a slightly different genital situation and often struggles with finding sex toys that are useful for him.  Typically, Feminine sex toys don’t work as well for him due to there being extra body, and Male sex toys don’t accommodate him well.  Thankfully, Buck Angel, an FTM trans adult film star, recently came out with a toy specifically for this population that resembled a Male sex toy. Here’s hoping Mr.Angel sees this toy and corners the market!

Anyway, I was interested to see if this toy would work for him, due to the size differences, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it worked just as perfectly for him as it did for me.  He reported, that while normal vibrators and sex toys tend to create a lot of movement of his parts and need re-adjusted constantly throughout sex, he found that the suction and the hole in this toy completely freed him from this issue.  Much like my own experience, his initial attempt at using this toy resulted in a very quick and vigorous orgasm, almost implying you can’t even mentally prepare yourself for what you are about to experience! The second attempt at using it gave him the most vigorous orgasm he has had with a toy.

To summarize, we both had an amazing experience and are in LOVE with our new toy.  This toy is perfect for women and just as amazing for Transmen! I would recommend this to anyone looking for a new and amazing toy in their collection!

-QT

 

When did you know you were gay?

A short answer would be: probably around age 23.

But, I’m not here for any short answers, and short answers definitely lead to more questions.  This post isn’t a short answer, and it isn’t a coming out story either.  (Although maybe someday I will be comfortable enough to spew that story for all the internet to see?)  Actually, this story has nothing to do with coming out, it is just about my own reflection of all the missed signs of gayness in my own life, that were probably intentionally missed (to protect my self from my environment of judgemental family members).

So to start as far back as I can remember, it has always been a running joke that I am only attracted to boys with “baby-faces,” which was adorable to say, but as I got older, seems pretty creepy and I’m able to reason with the fact that I only liked girl faces, or the androgynous look (which I would obviously still agree with!).  My room was lined, only with pictures of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, like every other young girl in America.  However, I had a hidden “Girl’s Life” Magazine, which was just a cute pre-teen magazine that talked about puberty so parents didn’t have to.  In this girl’s life magazine I had the most gorgeous picture of Christina Miliano (and I’m still not sure who she is) that I reassured myself I just wanted to look like her over and over again.  I’ve attached this picture for everyone’s enjoyment:

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A few years later, I was absolutely in love with a girl on my softball team, that I assured myself I just really really really wanted to be her friend. I remember trying so hard to get her attention, and I even downloaded a song she used to sing all the time and listen to it on repeat.

Then came puberty and the awkward masturbating to the thought of my girl friends who were having sex and talking about it, but never the thought of me having sex, but me being the guys who got to have sex with them.  As well as weird encounters where my girlfriends would make out, but I never engaged with them because “I’m not like that,” but at one point I asked if I could film it? It is very entertaining to think how I could miss these types of signs.

But the most interesting avoidance of being gay in high school, had to be the girl on the opposing basketball team, that I can still remember the name of, that I convinced myself was so attractive because she HAD to be a relative of Jonathan Taylor Thomas and I really wanted to be around her so bad, you know, so I could get to meet him.  I used to get so excited for the games against that particular team, and would creepishly watch her the entire time, hoping she would notice me.

I think the final signs leading up to the acceptance of being gay were just a series of girls who were my type, which I describe as petite androgynous people, who I became very close with and reminded myself that I just wanted to be friends with them so bad, but would have cuddle parties and spend my entire day trying to plan how I could see them more often.  Now they are some of my best friends and laugh at my painful crushes on them.

I hid these things very well, in my mind. Surrounded with the idea of feminism and taking on women’s rights movements, which was obviously why I loved women, right? I also have to admit, my best line of denial was telling everyone I knew that I could “never be gay because vaginas scare me.” Oh, how embarrassing that I thought that line could help to keep my closet door shut.  But eventually, when I did come out, to my self and others, all these stories (along with many more, I’m sure), came out in my mind and stood out as things that protected me for the necessary time, but could have helped me find myself, and happiness at a much younger age.

Hope you enjoyed this weird post of embarrassing humor and denial!

-QT

Lets talk about Pride!!

First off, Happy Pride Month!

This has been a very moving and exciting month for me in my own journey as an LGBT individual who works within the community.  I am proud to say that I was able to attend my first pride two weekends ago and really enjoyed the experience.  I have been “out” on a small scale for a few years now, but due to some harsh and difficult family dynamics (which I’ve talked about several times on this blog) I was never comfortable enough to be out at pride.  Thankfully, due to a lot of intrapersonal work, as well as some healthy boundary setting, I decided this was going to be my year to finally go experience pride for myself.

All-in-all it was an amazing experience and I got to enjoy fun and festivities, get burnt and dehydrated, as well as run into some of my LGBT+ clients on the streets.  Due to a busy work schedule, my partner and I were only able to attend one day, which happened to be the day of the parade, and one of the hottest days of pride.  When we got there we were able to enjoy the booths and meet other pride-goers, as well as catch up with some friends.

The booths were very interesting to me, and I was glad to see such diversity among the sellers.  There were LGBT+ shirts, food, supporters, churches, and even animal rescue leagues, which resulted in spending way to much time playing with a beautiful kitten that was up for adoption.  We had a lot of fun meeting the people who had booths and getting information (some that would be great for my office!) and learning more about what the community has to offer LGBT+ people in need.  My personal favorite experience of the day was meeting our community’s PFLAG table.  When we arrived at the table, there were two LGBT+ mothers working the booth.  As we introduced ourselves, one of the mothers stood up and said “Can I give you a hug?” and the other one joined her.  This was particularly moving to me, being that I have struggled deeply with the lack of support from my own mother and the damaged relationship we have due to my sexuality and her ignorance.  To me, this was the most important connection I could have found and it came from two loving and accepting mothers who don’t know me or my story.  Honestly, that moment made my first pride and I will remember it forever.

The parade was amazing, I loved seeing all of the rainbows and people, like me, or supporting me, in one area.  This was such a great experience in terms of feeling surrounded and not alone, which is hard to do when u come from a rural conservative area.  I believe this parade was important, specifically this year, due to the declining political climate and fear that a lot of people within the community are experiencing following the election.  I actually enjoyed seeing large corporate sponsors involved in the parade, like walmart, to see that there are big named allies that are willing to put their brand on something that may not be taken positively but others within the country.

I was also able to see my close friend and his drag-king group perform on one of the main stages at pride, which was a deeply moving experience to see someone who has been to pride many times and in the community for over a decade, be able to experience some firsts, as I was, but on a much larger scale.  I was impressed by my community and the joy that was shared by many.  However, I have to note that, while it was a positive experience, I couldn’t help but notice there was a significant amount of feminine teenage girls, dressed in things that identified them as “allies” (like buttons or shirts, or even introduced themselves that way) roaming in herds following gay men.  I’m not sure if this is a thing that always occurs but I felt very uncomfortable about the teeny-bopper atmosphere and almost felt as though an invasion was happening because this was just some big event happening in the city that they could go party at.

As a whole, the experience was very moving and I was very proud and excited to be involved in my first pride ever.  I am excited to go back every year, and maybe even travel to some bigger cities to experience other prides to broaden my own community.  Community is so important when you come out as LGBT+ because a lot of times you lose the generic community of a family of origin and are lucky enough to be able to manufacture your own community.

-QT